Solving relationship problems begins with taking responsibility for you.
In my counseling practice, many people struggle with the reality that each person is responsible for his or her part of the relationship conflict. It is common to see each partner trying to put the blame on the other, thus failing 
to see their role as a contributing factor. They often come to the sessions full of details of what their partner did wrong, having built a good case against each other. Does this sound familiar?
Some phrases might be: “If you had just lost the 50 pounds you said you were going to lose I wouldn’t have lost interest in you.” Or, “If you didn’t complain about how I did the laundry I would help more around the house.”
These phrases hold the partner responsible for the feelings and actions of the other.
So why is it easier to see another’s role in the problem and so difficult to see our own?
For one, most of us don’t like to be criticized. It makes us uncomfortable to look into our world to see where we might have made a mistake. That’s because we then have to do something, take an action to correct or change some behavior that caused the conflict.
Second, we might not agree that we really did have a part in the problem, which then renders it improbable that anything needs to be changed. This in turn fuels the fire and compounds the conflict, eventually causing still another problem: diametrically opposed views of whose behavior needs attention.
Clearly, it is better to accept responsibility and then transition into problem resolution mode to make changes.
Some ways to promote taking responsibility for oneself can help.
Ask questions:
- How did I contribute to this problem?
- How can I help resolve this problem?
- Can we look at your part in this problem?
- Can we both make changes?
- What can we do to avoid this type of problem again?
It undoubtedly takes the effort of two people to be responsible for their actions in a relationship. If you see your partner as the problem, think again. That actually may be the problem in the first place.
The bottom line is this: Most problems can be solved if we realize that we are in control of our feelings and emotions; we take responsibility for our actions; and we see our relationship as a daily priority.
Some great advice here Barbara. I agree that it’s important to take responsibility for ourselves, and I think it helps diffuse a situation if the other person can see that you are willing to own your part of the problem too.
It’s so much easier to just blame the other person, yet when we do sit down and examine our part in the problem, we usually find at least something there to take responsibility for.
Fantastic advice. If you can step back and really admit the part YOU played in whats going on, real change can happen.
Excellent post, Barbara! I agree that taking responsibility for your own actions is crucial…in fact, it is a definite point of power!
Thank you Sherie, Glad you agree. Have a great evening.
Great article!
Yes, that is the way it can happen. Thanks so much for the comment.
Good evening Helena, Yes it is easy to blame someone else for the problem. When we look into ourselves we really can make changes. Thanks so much for your thoughts.
Oh my – what an enormous challenge it is to find my part in a relationship tangle! I’m quite good at finding the fault in another! Years ago someone shared a visual with me that has helped extricate me numerous times from the blame game: “Keep your side of the street clean”. Somehow, I could visualize that when all else failed, and keep my eyes on ‘my stuff’!
This is a huge reason WHY I love my partner. He’s not afraid to point out my flaws and mistakes to me. It’s a good thing
No one is perfect, and we all have our weaknesses. But often times we go along in life and do our own thing that we have a hard time seeing where we do wrong, so it is a good thing to have someone point out where we can do better, and especially someone that is there as you begin to work on it
Wonderful Jamie. So glad you have a partner that is able to see you for all you are and help you become a better person.We are all a work in progress.
Great comment Ronae. It is difficult to own our flaws but rewarding when we do because we can then make changes.
Thanks, great article. It IS so easy to blame others and not look at ourselves. That is our permission so we don’t have to change… A lot of maturity is needed in relationships; it’s not who wins individually but who wins together.
Where there are two people involved, there are always two sides and we need to take our own side and take responsibility!
This is such a great post, Barbara. I love your questions as an approach to help each of us taking responsibility for our part in the relationship.
Hi Barbara,
Wonderful advice. We all need to do our part to solve a relationship problem. Taking responsibility for our part is the first step.
Hi Norma,
Great comment. Yes we do need to look at ourselves if we expect to be in a mature relationship and realize we have a part in the success or failure of it.
Yes Olga, it does take two to make a relationship work. It’s all about responsibility for our actions.
Thanks Lisa, Love to hear you are enjoying my blog content.