Today, I want to delve into a topic that holds profound significance in the realm of relationships: forgiveness. As a seasoned relationship expert, I’ve witnessed firsthand the transformative effects of forgiveness in marriages and partnerships. It’s not just a virtue; it’s a fundamental cornerstone upon which healthy, thriving relationships are built.
Conflicts are inevitable. Whether it’s a disagreement over finances, differences in parenting styles, or simply a clash of personalities, couples will face challenges that test the strength of their bond.
But why is forgiveness so crucial in a marriage or relationship? At its essence, forgiveness is a conscious choice to release feelings of resentment, anger, or bitterness towards your partner for perceived wrongdoing. It’s not about condoning their actions or pretending that hurtful words or deeds didn’t occur. Rather, it’s a courageous act of letting go of the emotional baggage that weighs down the relationship, preventing it from flourishing.
In my book “He Said, She Said, I Said” we go over forgiveness and its importance. The following is an excerpt from my book. 
He Said: I feel angry with her all the time — for things she’s done in the past and even for little things she does now, which shouldn’t be any big deal; but they are because I can’t seem to let go of the pain.
I Said: From the forgiver’s standpoint, offering forgiveness enables releasing the feelings keeping him or her stuck in a deepening pit of anger, resentment, and hurt. But it doesn’t excuse behavior, and it doesn’t mean quickly and easily trusting the person who caused the hurt and pain.
It does mean setting healthy boundaries with the person who did the wounding, as well as working through the emotions triggered by their hurtful behavior. It doesn’t mean automatically forgetting what was done. What it does do is allow the person forgiving to reach out and begin a process of reconciliation.
If you have a nagging sense of anger, hurt, or resentment from choices your partner has made in the past or behaviors they have exhibited toward you, choosing to forgive him or her will help you find peace. While your choice to forgive will help the offending person feel safe to step back into a relationship with you, extending forgiveness will have the biggest impact on your own life because you will then choose to let go of negative thoughts and emotions that have been filling your mind and your heart.
What you think and what you feel are your choices. If you are holding on to old hurts and resentment, you are choosing not to move forward, and you will learn nothing from the negative experiences. You will not be able to move on to better times.
In the book you will find several other examples of how couples struggled with the skill of forgiving.
Some points on forgiveness to keep in mind are:
- When we forgive, we create space for empathy, understanding, and compassion to blossom. It allows us to see beyond the surface-level conflicts and connect with our partner on a deeper, more meaningful level. Instead of being consumed by past grievances, couples can focus their energy on nurturing love, trust, and mutual respect.
- Forgiveness fosters a sense of emotional safety and security within the relationship. Knowing that your partner can forgive your shortcomings and imperfections creates a foundation of trust and vulnerability. It encourages open communication and a willingness to address issues head-on, rather than sweeping them under the rug in a futile attempt to avoid conflict.
- Forgiveness is more than a gift we give to our partner; it’s a gift we give to ourselves. Holding onto grudges and resentment only serves to poison our own hearts and minds, perpetuating a cycle of pain and discord. By embracing forgiveness, we free ourselves from the shackles of bitterness and reclaim our power to choose love over fear.
- Forgiveness is not always easy. It requires humility, patience, and a willingness to let go of our ego’s desire to be right. It may involve difficult conversations, tears, and moments of vulnerability. But the rewards far outweigh the challenges. Through forgiveness, couples can experience profound growth, resilience, and intimacy, forging a bond that withstands the test of time.
I urge you to reflect on the role of forgiveness in your own relationships. Are there unresolved conflicts lingering beneath the surface, poisoning the wellspring of love and connection? Are you willing to take the first step toward healing and reconciliation?
Remember, forgiveness is not a sign of weakness; it’s a testament to the strength of your love. Embrace it wholeheartedly and watch as it transforms your relationship into a sanctuary of grace, compassion, and enduring joy.
