Go ahead, have an affair. No, really. It’s not as outrageous as it sounds.
Studies have shown that nearly half of all marriages end in divorce. It is easy to see why so many people opt to stay single these days. Infidelity is one of the leading reasons why marriages fail. The truth is, there is no one reason why married people have affairs. It is more of a constellation of factors paving the way to infidelity.
As a couples/marriage counselor, I frequently hear about extramarital affairs. Most of us go into marriage or a committed relationship and expect monogamy. But the incidence of cheating shows us otherwise. The consequences of an affair are devastating.
Why not try something new. Play the part of a mistress to add a new dimension to your marriage? It just might stave off wandering, by you or your partner, and bring some playful excitement to your life. The desire for sexual variety is valid and acting out a fantasy means you start paying attention to each other in a whole new way.
While many may feel self-conscious or even foolish while playing an unfamiliar role, once you get into it, magic will happen. Suppressed feelings or emotions can explode and ignite fireworks long forgotten.
Need a primer to get started? Here’s a roadmap of what makes or breaks an affair and ways to become the “other woman” in your marriage.
When was the last time you tickled your husband with a feather, massaged his body, or left love notes in secret places? When did you last want to provoke sweet little teases with the man in your life? Could it be that you have traded passion for comfort and let yourself take him for granted?
Having a secret and doing things on the sly always brings an adrenaline rush, even with your spouse. Find the lost excitement in your marriage by crossing the line in ways that may be risky but are not dangerous. Try lovemaking in new places, especially away from home. Never discuss your clandestine rendezvous; after all, you are meeting a secret lover and you don’t want your husband to know! Men love the anticipation of a tryst. Women love the attention of a man creating a surprise encounter. Dreaming about what’s to come is much like physical foreplay for a woman.
Leave a note inviting him or her to a special place. Send provocative text messages at unpredictable times. Leave notes in cars, on mirrors, or under pillows that speak of love. When you meet, be dressed up for a date, for intrigue and seduction. Pretend you are meeting for the first time and act fascinated as you learn about each other.
Recreate the “Kodak moments” you experienced when you first fell in love Don’t worry about how you look now versus how you looked then. Kodak moments are like photographic images in your mind. Encourage your spouse to tell you his or her thoughts about something you never knew. New discoveries can be intoxicating. Recreate the past when you first met and it was fun each time you saw each other. Fall in love again as if the relationship was just beginning.
The most pleasurable acts, including sex, can become boring and predictable with a spouse; but with a new partner, sex can bring intense awakenings. Most people try affairs because they want sexual conquest. You can be that conquest! Play a role opposite of what you are. If you are shy, try being bolder. If you are normally up for any adventure, resist a bit; give your partner clear signals that this time, you want to be persuaded.
Fantasies are even more fun if you first find out what each of you likes. Talk through the safety issues to get an understanding of both of your limits. By the way, men love to hear they are great lovers. Try saying it and see how he beams. Flirt with your husband, even in public. You have an arsenal of ammunition. Women love to hear that they are beautiful and sexy. So, added compliments from him are needed as positive reinforcement.
Before you really get into it, make sure your husband won’t be embarrassed by your antics. The very last thing you want to do is make him feel uncomfortable. Figure out a way to check things out before you begin your amorous assaults. Be creative, but be smart and considerate. Some couples develop a signal they can use to say, “I need to step out of our play for a minute and talk to you about what is going on.” Stopping to talk doesn’t mean anyone did anything wrong; it can be an opportunity to understand each other better and make your encounters more satisfying.
Passion, romance, and intrigue should always be part of your relationship. Life gets busy, and problems and responsibilities crop up, leaving little time for creating gleeful surprises and joy. Remember your marriage is hopefully a lifelong commitment. Give it the attention it deserves, and the payoff will be worth it.
Despite grim statistics, the good news is that with the right tools and attitudes, you can beat the odds. Marriages can endure the test of time and even exceed expectations. We often hear that all good relationships involve work. I want to add that they also need more play. Adults need the safety of recreation with a trusted partner. We need the intimacy, spontaneity, reassurance, and joy of adult fun. See if “having an affair” fits into your mutual needs for exploration and enjoyment of each other.